Ode to a Horse

Joe came into my family's life in 1989, when I wasn't quite 17. He was brought down by my parents' friends from Oregon in a 1955 Miley 2 horse trailer being towed by an RV, one side filled with Alfalfa. They didn't get Joe out once because they were afraid he wouldn't go back in. My parents' friend had a back injury and could not ride Joe anymore. He did use Joe to hunt off of and apparently he pulled a travois with a deer on it once.
Joe was a great big old style blood bay Morgan. He shined when he was all groomed up. He was only 15.2 hands but due to his style he was our heaviest horse. We always knew when we were hauling Joe unlike our taller TB, Standardbred, or QH. His feet were also huge, to hold his mass.
Joe became my dad's horse for awhile. He enjoyed saddling him up and riding around, even when my dad was getting sick.
Joe taught a lot of people to ride. He was very good at figuring out who needed the extra protection and who could be tested a lot. He was my best 4H horse and always dumped the know-it-alls on the ground. He always knew when he was at a show, even when he was older, and "studded up" (making himself look muscley) and put on a proud head carriage. My stepson started riding him at 7 months and my favorite picture is of the three of us showing leadline at the fair, as "My Eee" when my stepson was only 16 months.
He was a true Morgan with an amazing sense of humor. He played keep away with a chain with one farrier, water splash fights at the lake, and once made the most god awful noise when a young farrier was working on his front leg - the farrier looked up thinking something was wrong when Joe blew saliva and snot all over him. We had all heard and seen the horse version of hocking a lugey.
Joe got old, and while no longer ridable, due to a kick fight injury to his knee, he still loved to be groomed, bathed, and loved on. We agonized for the last year over the big decision. We had to put my mom's horse down before the winter, the two had been almost inseperable for 20 years. Joe was very angry and agonized for a day over losing her. We put Joe in the arena and didn't go near him for a day. We thought then about the decision. Joe had sweet itch which made spring and summer miserable for him. The last year or so he's had such a hard time getting up after rolling.
One night, 3 weeks ago, Joe laid down for the last time. My stepson found him during morning feeding and came up and got my mom. He didn't look as if he was in any distress, just that his big old Heart gave out.
The herd lost one great old horse, with a huge personality and the pasture isn't the same without him.
Oh Joe I miss you so.

A really didn't know why I was feeling so melancoly for Joe last night until I was sitting waiting for the Kindergarten bus to show up with my daughter today. Today was the first day of school and I was reminded of the all the years that Joe would stand and wait at the fence for first my stepson and then my son to get off the bus. He waited everyday and even in the summer would stand at the fence watching, until he had to move to the old horse pasture. That memory was hiding away for the right moment.

Took my breath away.

While wandering thorough KMart yesterday I saw and showed hubs some teeny-tiny sandals. Really took my breath away and I teared up there in the store. UGH. Heather would be almost 3 months now. I still have overwhelming moments of sadness, the heart aches, the gut hurts, the eyes burn when I think of all the moments that I'm missing. Sash would have been a great big sis.

Life's Lesson

This is a blog I posted on my myspace 12/7 but I thought I'd stick it here also.
So I'm sitting here watching Garfield with my daughter and dealing with my first cold of the season. Thanks to Sasha and preschool. I actually got mildly sick the 25th of Nov. for about 3 days and fought it off then boom here it is again. Life's been stressful for awhile. Everything happens for a reason, it's what I've been told and told myself ad nauseum all through my life. It's even a text message Little Mike texted me on Fri. But for the life of me I can't figure out what lesson we needed to learn about losing our baby. I think that it is the hardest thing that has every happened to me in my life and I've been through some serious shit. Hubby isn't sure if he wants to even try again. I wasn't sure at first, but I really want another of my own, before we even talk about adopting or fostering. Hubby can't even talk about that yet. I miss being pregnant, feeling the baby move, and the anticipation of meeting the new baby which was a girl. I still cry at times but I know that will be over eventually.
It's like I've been inducted into this new club, of miscarriages and stillbirths. We were 21 weeks and 3 days, so it was a stillborn. From the nurse at the hospital telling me it's hard and it gets better but I'll always grieve, she lost hers at 24 weeks, to my father-in-law tearing up some 50 years after losing the twins not long after birth. It sux being in this weird club that no one talks about exept in whispers but the reality is that over 20% of pregnancies end this way. Everyone tears up but no one wants to talk about it.The supports been incredible from all of our friends and family. Mike's spent time on the phone with a couple of different people from Billy-Bob's riding assoc. with the theme for him being, it's ok to cry and express emotion. In other words, he shouldn't cowboy up. We spent two nights at a hotel in town, so we could actually be in the same room. What with the construction and us both needing beds, he's out in the RV and I'm at my moms. I think that was the best that could have happened to us. It gave us time, alone, without the kids to grieve and talk and just be together. We buried her Thur the 4th (yes my birthday) with her great-great grandmother. Mike wanted her with family, not in the baby area as we aren't sure if we want to stay our lifetime in this town we are in now or if we are going to move so we didn't buy our own plots to put the baby. We'll all make it through but I just wish there was another way to learn this lesson, whatever it might be.