I Believe in myself.

Works been crazy busy. LOL. I think about my blog on the way to work. Then I come home in the AM and go to bed. Get up, help the hubs get the evening chores done, dinner, and kids done and into bed. Then sit for about a half an hour and back to work. I'm tired. I realized I didn't schedule myself one down day this month or next month. WTH was I thinking? I am not sure. If I am not working I have reining lessons with the trainer with my step-son and our horses or my son has a sheep ride or my daughter has something she needs in preschool. Ok note to self, every couple of weeks schedule myself two days off in a row. I need the time. I need to sleep, do chores, play with my horses. I want to ride at home at least one day a week other than the lessons and I have an abused horse that I need to work with more than once a week. He needs me to be more consistant.
Well our house is almost done which will mean more business but will mean that in another few months life should settle a bit. At least we'll all be in one house. I want to ride every other day, I want to play with the abused gelding every day, I want to plant a garden, but mostly I just want to have time with my kids. I want to take them on day trips every couple of weeks and bond more. They need it and so do I.
I need to finish my bachelors and get my dream moving. That will give me more time. I need to set myself a goal to figure out where I want to go and if online college is really as good as in person. That is the most important goal at this point. Get through school!
I will do it. That's what I say. I tell the trainer that especially when I'm having a difficult time getting something understanding a concept or getting my body to do what my mind is telling my body to do. I say "I'll get this! I can chew gum and walk at the same time!" Determination. I have it even when I don't believe it. Hubs reminds me. So I envision my backbone being encased in iron and I do it.
You know, that's the most important thing there is yet it's the hardest. Believing in myself. Such a simple phrase but the most important phrase ever said.
So do you belief in yourself? How hard is it to believe in yourself?

Death

Our old dog, Jack, died last Mon. He was between 14 and 16. He was a bait dog that showed up at my parents ranch several years ago. My mom tried to get rid of him by throwing rocks at him and chasing him with a broom. He wouldn't leave. He knew a sucker when he found one. One of his ears didn't move. Then he got hit by a car and my mom drug him home a mile not long before her female surgery. There went the use of one back leg and he found a home, he was hers. Then they moved out here and he took over my husband. LOL. He just faded away, like old people do. He didn't eat or drink the last few days. He was happy to get pets. He'd just lie around. He'd quit really eating the last month or so.One thing about living in the country. Our kids are comfortable with death. My hubby and step-son dug the hole. We buried him, said some words, put flowers on him, and then on top of the grave. Sasha was sad and still says how much she misses him. BB says he's sad but he's ok as Jack and he weren't close. Little Mike was sad also, Jack took care of him. When he was tied up in front he would play with Mike and when a new neighbor walked up he shoved little Mike into the front door, wrapped himself around his legs, and growled at the neighbor. He wasn't going to let me past either but I said "it's ok, it's the neighbor, go lay down" and he did. I always felt safe with him around. He loved to be scratched and pet but I knew he was on guard. His collar was always loose and every few months or so he'd slip his collar and go for a run. We'd find him in the barn. I just didn't want him to get hit by a car. Those shiny fenders were just to much to resist catching.Back to the kids. We, over the years, have buried dogs, cats, a goat, several chickens, and we've lost two horses. We've never hid it from the kids. When my dad died in 2001 he was buried at the National Cemetary. On the way down, Little Mike was sitting in the back with my mom and he got all flustered and worried. He said "we forgot something". He said we forgot the shovels. We explained we didn't actually have to worry about that someone else will dig the grave. He was only 5. Death and Life are just every day occurances to farm kids. I think it's better than way actually. Just my thoughts.

Life's Lesson

This is a blog I posted on my myspace 12/7 but I thought I'd stick it here also.
So I'm sitting here watching Garfield with my daughter and dealing with my first cold of the season. Thanks to Sasha and preschool. I actually got mildly sick the 25th of Nov. for about 3 days and fought it off then boom here it is again. Life's been stressful for awhile. Everything happens for a reason, it's what I've been told and told myself ad nauseum all through my life. It's even a text message Little Mike texted me on Fri. But for the life of me I can't figure out what lesson we needed to learn about losing our baby. I think that it is the hardest thing that has every happened to me in my life and I've been through some serious shit. Hubby isn't sure if he wants to even try again. I wasn't sure at first, but I really want another of my own, before we even talk about adopting or fostering. Hubby can't even talk about that yet. I miss being pregnant, feeling the baby move, and the anticipation of meeting the new baby which was a girl. I still cry at times but I know that will be over eventually.
It's like I've been inducted into this new club, of miscarriages and stillbirths. We were 21 weeks and 3 days, so it was a stillborn. From the nurse at the hospital telling me it's hard and it gets better but I'll always grieve, she lost hers at 24 weeks, to my father-in-law tearing up some 50 years after losing the twins not long after birth. It sux being in this weird club that no one talks about exept in whispers but the reality is that over 20% of pregnancies end this way. Everyone tears up but no one wants to talk about it.The supports been incredible from all of our friends and family. Mike's spent time on the phone with a couple of different people from Billy-Bob's riding assoc. with the theme for him being, it's ok to cry and express emotion. In other words, he shouldn't cowboy up. We spent two nights at a hotel in town, so we could actually be in the same room. What with the construction and us both needing beds, he's out in the RV and I'm at my moms. I think that was the best that could have happened to us. It gave us time, alone, without the kids to grieve and talk and just be together. We buried her Thur the 4th (yes my birthday) with her great-great grandmother. Mike wanted her with family, not in the baby area as we aren't sure if we want to stay our lifetime in this town we are in now or if we are going to move so we didn't buy our own plots to put the baby. We'll all make it through but I just wish there was another way to learn this lesson, whatever it might be.