Life's Lesson

This is a blog I posted on my myspace 12/7 but I thought I'd stick it here also.
So I'm sitting here watching Garfield with my daughter and dealing with my first cold of the season. Thanks to Sasha and preschool. I actually got mildly sick the 25th of Nov. for about 3 days and fought it off then boom here it is again. Life's been stressful for awhile. Everything happens for a reason, it's what I've been told and told myself ad nauseum all through my life. It's even a text message Little Mike texted me on Fri. But for the life of me I can't figure out what lesson we needed to learn about losing our baby. I think that it is the hardest thing that has every happened to me in my life and I've been through some serious shit. Hubby isn't sure if he wants to even try again. I wasn't sure at first, but I really want another of my own, before we even talk about adopting or fostering. Hubby can't even talk about that yet. I miss being pregnant, feeling the baby move, and the anticipation of meeting the new baby which was a girl. I still cry at times but I know that will be over eventually.
It's like I've been inducted into this new club, of miscarriages and stillbirths. We were 21 weeks and 3 days, so it was a stillborn. From the nurse at the hospital telling me it's hard and it gets better but I'll always grieve, she lost hers at 24 weeks, to my father-in-law tearing up some 50 years after losing the twins not long after birth. It sux being in this weird club that no one talks about exept in whispers but the reality is that over 20% of pregnancies end this way. Everyone tears up but no one wants to talk about it.The supports been incredible from all of our friends and family. Mike's spent time on the phone with a couple of different people from Billy-Bob's riding assoc. with the theme for him being, it's ok to cry and express emotion. In other words, he shouldn't cowboy up. We spent two nights at a hotel in town, so we could actually be in the same room. What with the construction and us both needing beds, he's out in the RV and I'm at my moms. I think that was the best that could have happened to us. It gave us time, alone, without the kids to grieve and talk and just be together. We buried her Thur the 4th (yes my birthday) with her great-great grandmother. Mike wanted her with family, not in the baby area as we aren't sure if we want to stay our lifetime in this town we are in now or if we are going to move so we didn't buy our own plots to put the baby. We'll all make it through but I just wish there was another way to learn this lesson, whatever it might be.