Growing up
Do you ever notice that the kids grow faster than you're ready for, or even notice?
Billy-Bob was helping me get stuff out for dinner. He was standing with the refrigerator door open looking for carrots. I opened the freezer, the upper door, and smacked him in the forehead. He yelled "ow you hit me". I said "geez you grew." He laughed and said "yeah I did! I used to fit under the door."
When did he get taller?
Little Mike reaches my shoulder now. He thinks it's cool. I can't figure out when he grew. It took him forever to start growing but we've had to buy 4 different size pants in the last 2 years. He likes to get up early and take the bus. He comes over and gets ready and gets really annoyed if Billy-Bob gets up. He will fix the coffeemaker and start it for my mom and then he likes to read the sports page while mom looks at the rest of the paper. Last week, I was laying in bed listening to him talk to my mom in the dining room and realized he is starting to sound like his dad. It took me a moment to figure out it was Little Mike and not Big Mike.
When did his voice change?
Sasha is in a size 4 now. I couldn't believe it. She's got a ton of handme downs, she's the youngest girl of our close circle of friends and one of the neighbors clients has a girl a few years older also, so we get bags of cloths. She is in a 4 and sometimes a 5.
What happened to my baby girl?
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Work
I am scheduled to start back to work today. I haven't been at work for three weeks. Things have changed in management and of course things have changed inside me. I am finally over the cold enough to feel guilty if I call in sick, which in half an hour will be to late anyway. I am anxious. My coworkers have all been supportive and understanding. I am worried I'll cry if someone says something about Heather or about the funeral. I am worried I'll cry when I see a coworker who's pregnant, due a few weeks ahead of me. I'm nervous about it all. I guess it's normal.
I'll have more sympathy for my kids when they have a stomach ache over school or something in their mind big and scary. It's been a long time since I've felt the butterflies in my stomach feeling. Well here goes nothing.
I'll have more sympathy for my kids when they have a stomach ache over school or something in their mind big and scary. It's been a long time since I've felt the butterflies in my stomach feeling. Well here goes nothing.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Perspectives
I love BabyCenter's Momformation Blogs. They're great, if you haven't seen them check em out here: http://blogs.parentcenter.babycenter.com/momformation/
That said, there's a post there about one thing that women hate about pregnancy, which apparently came from a thread about pregnancy discomforts.
I finally got brave and read most of the post and most of the comments. It was tough. I used to complain about the nausea, the swelling, the weight gain, all the normal discomforts also. But if I ever get pregnant no way will I every complain, not one word because it made me sad to see all those comments.
You see, I've gained a new perspective on pregnancy. I miss everything about being pregnant, the good and the bad. I don't think anyone really thinks, geez this misery is for a reason, but I do now. It's to bring a baby into this world. Losing Heather's changed me. Made me stronger I hope but it made me realize that mortality does touch us, even if we are young. It has made me want to be a stronger, more patient, more loving person and parent. A parent that I can be proud of and one that my kids want to be like.
That said, there's a post there about one thing that women hate about pregnancy, which apparently came from a thread about pregnancy discomforts.
I finally got brave and read most of the post and most of the comments. It was tough. I used to complain about the nausea, the swelling, the weight gain, all the normal discomforts also. But if I ever get pregnant no way will I every complain, not one word because it made me sad to see all those comments.
You see, I've gained a new perspective on pregnancy. I miss everything about being pregnant, the good and the bad. I don't think anyone really thinks, geez this misery is for a reason, but I do now. It's to bring a baby into this world. Losing Heather's changed me. Made me stronger I hope but it made me realize that mortality does touch us, even if we are young. It has made me want to be a stronger, more patient, more loving person and parent. A parent that I can be proud of and one that my kids want to be like.
Sadness
Sometimes sadness floats down like a gentle rain on the unexpecting. Slowly getting you wet until all of the sudden you are soaked.
Othertimes sadness hits with a strength and force to take the breath away and drop you to your knees.
I prefer the second kind of sadness, the kind where it hits and you know why. Not the gentle rain where all of the sudden, I'm sad and I have to figure out why, what happened during the day that lead me to that feeling.
Tuesday Hubby and I finished our Christmas shopping. It was something we'd been trying to do for the last 2 weeks but with colds and our loss, we couldn't. So be damned being sick and out we went, shopping light headed, coughing, and medicated is not an experience I'd recommend. I thought I'd be careful, I learned to avoid the maternity area at Target, when hubby needed a new pair of unripped pants for the funeral. But by the end of the day I was sad. I think it was seeing all the baby things that are everywhere, the dresses, the toys, the furniture and all the new babies that seemed to be everywhere also. Our 3 are 3 and up so neither of us though that the toy section would lead to sadness. Hubby left the radio on Jazz most of the day, until the ride home when I needed a strong dose of country. Wrong choice as the second line in the song was about a newborn baby sleeping, hubby said "turn it", so we found some easy listening instead.
Sadness creeps in and settles in the heart but a light can follow and burn the sadness out.
Othertimes sadness hits with a strength and force to take the breath away and drop you to your knees.
I prefer the second kind of sadness, the kind where it hits and you know why. Not the gentle rain where all of the sudden, I'm sad and I have to figure out why, what happened during the day that lead me to that feeling.
Tuesday Hubby and I finished our Christmas shopping. It was something we'd been trying to do for the last 2 weeks but with colds and our loss, we couldn't. So be damned being sick and out we went, shopping light headed, coughing, and medicated is not an experience I'd recommend. I thought I'd be careful, I learned to avoid the maternity area at Target, when hubby needed a new pair of unripped pants for the funeral. But by the end of the day I was sad. I think it was seeing all the baby things that are everywhere, the dresses, the toys, the furniture and all the new babies that seemed to be everywhere also. Our 3 are 3 and up so neither of us though that the toy section would lead to sadness. Hubby left the radio on Jazz most of the day, until the ride home when I needed a strong dose of country. Wrong choice as the second line in the song was about a newborn baby sleeping, hubby said "turn it", so we found some easy listening instead.
Sadness creeps in and settles in the heart but a light can follow and burn the sadness out.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Life's Lesson
This is a blog I posted on my myspace 12/7 but I thought I'd stick it here also.
So I'm sitting here watching Garfield with my daughter and dealing with my first cold of the season. Thanks to Sasha and preschool. I actually got mildly sick the 25th of Nov. for about 3 days and fought it off then boom here it is again. Life's been stressful for awhile. Everything happens for a reason, it's what I've been told and told myself ad nauseum all through my life. It's even a text message Little Mike texted me on Fri. But for the life of me I can't figure out what lesson we needed to learn about losing our baby. I think that it is the hardest thing that has every happened to me in my life and I've been through some serious shit. Hubby isn't sure if he wants to even try again. I wasn't sure at first, but I really want another of my own, before we even talk about adopting or fostering. Hubby can't even talk about that yet. I miss being pregnant, feeling the baby move, and the anticipation of meeting the new baby which was a girl. I still cry at times but I know that will be over eventually.
It's like I've been inducted into this new club, of miscarriages and stillbirths. We were 21 weeks and 3 days, so it was a stillborn. From the nurse at the hospital telling me it's hard and it gets better but I'll always grieve, she lost hers at 24 weeks, to my father-in-law tearing up some 50 years after losing the twins not long after birth. It sux being in this weird club that no one talks about exept in whispers but the reality is that over 20% of pregnancies end this way. Everyone tears up but no one wants to talk about it.The supports been incredible from all of our friends and family. Mike's spent time on the phone with a couple of different people from Billy-Bob's riding assoc. with the theme for him being, it's ok to cry and express emotion. In other words, he shouldn't cowboy up. We spent two nights at a hotel in town, so we could actually be in the same room. What with the construction and us both needing beds, he's out in the RV and I'm at my moms. I think that was the best that could have happened to us. It gave us time, alone, without the kids to grieve and talk and just be together. We buried her Thur the 4th (yes my birthday) with her great-great grandmother. Mike wanted her with family, not in the baby area as we aren't sure if we want to stay our lifetime in this town we are in now or if we are going to move so we didn't buy our own plots to put the baby. We'll all make it through but I just wish there was another way to learn this lesson, whatever it might be.
So I'm sitting here watching Garfield with my daughter and dealing with my first cold of the season. Thanks to Sasha and preschool. I actually got mildly sick the 25th of Nov. for about 3 days and fought it off then boom here it is again. Life's been stressful for awhile. Everything happens for a reason, it's what I've been told and told myself ad nauseum all through my life. It's even a text message Little Mike texted me on Fri. But for the life of me I can't figure out what lesson we needed to learn about losing our baby. I think that it is the hardest thing that has every happened to me in my life and I've been through some serious shit. Hubby isn't sure if he wants to even try again. I wasn't sure at first, but I really want another of my own, before we even talk about adopting or fostering. Hubby can't even talk about that yet. I miss being pregnant, feeling the baby move, and the anticipation of meeting the new baby which was a girl. I still cry at times but I know that will be over eventually.
It's like I've been inducted into this new club, of miscarriages and stillbirths. We were 21 weeks and 3 days, so it was a stillborn. From the nurse at the hospital telling me it's hard and it gets better but I'll always grieve, she lost hers at 24 weeks, to my father-in-law tearing up some 50 years after losing the twins not long after birth. It sux being in this weird club that no one talks about exept in whispers but the reality is that over 20% of pregnancies end this way. Everyone tears up but no one wants to talk about it.The supports been incredible from all of our friends and family. Mike's spent time on the phone with a couple of different people from Billy-Bob's riding assoc. with the theme for him being, it's ok to cry and express emotion. In other words, he shouldn't cowboy up. We spent two nights at a hotel in town, so we could actually be in the same room. What with the construction and us both needing beds, he's out in the RV and I'm at my moms. I think that was the best that could have happened to us. It gave us time, alone, without the kids to grieve and talk and just be together. We buried her Thur the 4th (yes my birthday) with her great-great grandmother. Mike wanted her with family, not in the baby area as we aren't sure if we want to stay our lifetime in this town we are in now or if we are going to move so we didn't buy our own plots to put the baby. We'll all make it through but I just wish there was another way to learn this lesson, whatever it might be.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Brand New
Well I'm pretty new Blogging but I thought I'd give it a try. I have 4 kids, my step-son 12, a son 6, a daughter 3, and a daughter that we just lost in stillbirth. I think that's why I thought I'd sign up and blog. Writing always makes me feel better. I had a hard time with losing my baby but I have to believe that it's for the best.
I am Jedi mom as my children, hubby, and myself are enthralled with Star Wars. We don't do the 501st mainly because we just don't have the time, the sewing knowledge, or the money to put out for the outfits. I have active and busy kids, but we have scaled all their activities down until after the new year. My oldest is in Jr. High and switching classes this year, so he is taking the time to get used to all of that before he picks an activity to go back to.
Well I think that's all for now. But I have a goal to write a bit everyday.
I am Jedi mom as my children, hubby, and myself are enthralled with Star Wars. We don't do the 501st mainly because we just don't have the time, the sewing knowledge, or the money to put out for the outfits. I have active and busy kids, but we have scaled all their activities down until after the new year. My oldest is in Jr. High and switching classes this year, so he is taking the time to get used to all of that before he picks an activity to go back to.
Well I think that's all for now. But I have a goal to write a bit everyday.
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